Researchers at Loma Linda University have uncovered a startling correlation between the month of January and a significant decline in the frequency of “Happy Sabbath” greetings exchanged among church members.
The study, conducted over a five-year period, involved meticulous analysis of over 10,000 Sabbath morning interactions across 50 Adventist churches in Southern California. Lead researcher Dr. Esther Gladwell explained, “We’ve long suspected a seasonal variation in Sabbath enthusiasm, but the data we’ve collected is truly eye-opening.”
Key findings from the study include:
1. A 37% decrease in “Happy Sabbath” utterances during January compared to the annual average.
2. A 15% increase in grunted acknowledgments and non-verbal nods.
3. A 22% rise in the use of “TGIF” (Thank God It’s Friday) among Adventist young adults during the first month of the year.
Dr. Gladwell theorizes that the phenomenon, dubbed “January Joylessness,” may be attributed to a perfect storm of post-holiday blues, New Year’s resolution fatigue, and the realization that Ted Wilson has been General Conference president longer than the current pope has been in power.
The study has prompted church leaders to consider implementing “Sabbath Joy Boosters” throughout January. Proposed initiatives include:
– Mandatory “smile checks” at church entrances
– Distributing “Happy Sabbath” prompt cards to forgetful members
– Installing laugh tracks in sanctuaries to artificially elevate mood
However, January joy boosting faces an uphill struggle. Brother Grumpy McFrownface, a long-time member of the Loma Linda University Church, grumbled, “I haven’t said ‘Happy Sabbath’ since 1974, and I don’t intend to start now, January or not.”
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