In a stunning development that has celestial record-keepers working overtime, sources close to the pearly gates report that an unprecedented wave of presidential pardons is wreaking havoc on the investigative judgment process.
“We’re seeing a massive influx of cases marked ‘PARDONED’ in big red letters,” said one exasperated angel, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s like trying to process a cosmic mountain of paperwork with our wings tied behind our backs.”
The investigative judgment, a uniquely Adventist doctrine that posits a divine review of professed Christians’ lives, has reportedly ground to a near halt as heavenly clerks struggle to reconcile earthly pardons with celestial records.
“Every time we think we’ve got someone’s case sorted out, boom! Another pardon drops on our desks,” lamented the angel. “We’re starting to wonder if these presidents understand the eschatological implications of their actions.”
Adventist theologians are scrambling to address this unforeseen complication in their end-time timeline. Dr. Judgment D. Day, professor of Celestial Jurisprudence at Loma Linda University, offered this insight: “We always knew the investigative judgment would be thorough, but we never anticipated this level of divine red tape.
Some Adventists are now speculating that this pardon-induced delay might explain why Jesus hasn’t returned yet. “Maybe He’s just waiting for the heavenly court to clear its docket,” mused one church elder, eyeing his aging “The End Is Near” placard with newfound skepticism.
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