Silver Spring, Md. — The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists announced a new, groundbreaking initiative today called “The Final Answer.” This program promises to solve all of society’s most pressing problems by, you guessed it, getting more people into church.
“When we look at the world today—at the economic inequality, the political polarization, the loneliness crisis—we’ve come to a startling conclusion,” said a smiling spokesperson for the program. “The answer isn’t a new political party, a new economic model, or even a new therapy. It’s just… more church.”
The program’s rollout is already underway, with pilot initiatives testing the waters in various communities. One such initiative, dubbed “The Tithe-and-Tithe-More” initiative, seeks to alleviate poverty by encouraging members to give even more to the local conference, while another aims to address general societal discord through weekly fellowship suppers.
Critics of the program, a group the church has dubbed “the misguided and short-sighted,” have questioned how attending a potluck will solve climate change or how a sermon on the prodigal son will heal a broken healthcare system. However, church leaders are undeterred. “The Bible says that if we just keep up the good work, everything will work out,” said one pastor. “We’re simply applying that principle to our modern woes. You can’t have a civil war if you’re too busy having a business meeting.”
The program is also addressing the mental health crisis. “We’ve found that people are just too busy with hobbies and family and work,” said another spokesperson. “What they really need is to attend more prayer meetings, more committee meetings, more evangelistic series, more small groups, more Sabbath School teacher training… The list goes on. If you’re busy with all that, you won’t have time to be anxious.”
When asked what’s next for The Final Answer, the spokesperson smiled knowingly. “We’re in talks about talks with the United Nations,” she said. “We’re confident that if we just add a 13th Sabbath Offering to their budget, we can solve world hunger by 2030.”
