BOISE, Idaho — Local Adventist prepper Jared Martin says he’s completely over waiting for the Time of Trouble and would appreciate if it could just “get rolling already.”
Martin has spent the last 14 years stockpiling canned veggie links, hiding Bibles in Ziploc bags, and practicing how to sneak through forests in hush puppies. “I’m locked, red book-loaded, and lentil-burgered,” Martin told reporters. “At this point the only trouble is how long it’s taking for the trouble to arrive.”
His neighbors report that Martin stands outside every Friday sunset dressed in a camo Pathfinder uniform, whispering, “Any day now…” while clutching a Great Controversy.
Conference officials have urged calm. “Please don’t try to speed up prophecy,” said one spokesperson in an open letter to Jared. “We already have enough last generations theologians doing just that.”
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Martin remains undeterred. “Look, if there’s going to be persecution, let’s just get on with it. I’ve got 17 caves scouted, a solar-powered Vitamix, and enough soy curls to outlast Babylon.”
