LOMA LINDA, CA—The Loma Linda University School of Religion has announced a groundbreaking new credentialing requirement for all students and faculty.
The new mandate, which has been dubbed “The Cranial Canopy of Progressive Revelation,” requires participants to demonstrate their acceptance of theological change through visible, physical transformation.
“Theology isn’t stagnant; it’s a living, growing process,” explained Dr. Bartholomew Cletus, Dean of the School of Religion. “We’ve always taught that, but now we’re putting our heads on the line, quite literally. If your hairline hasn’t progressed to a more open-minded state by graduation, you’ll be referred to the School of Dentistry for advanced root canal therapy.”
The new standard has been met with mixed reactions. While some students are concerned about the long-term implications for their scalp health, others are reportedly rushing to shave their heads to prove their faith.
The School of Religion is also said to be launching a new a cappella group called “The Progressive Bald-lads,” with their first single, “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow,” expected to drop this fall. #absolute truth #theologylightshedding
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