COLLEGEDALE, TN — Area Seventh-day Adventist and longtime prophecy chart enthusiast Gerald Finster, 58, confirmed Tuesday that he agrees almost entirely with Pope Leo XIV’s recent statements on war, peace, and the suffering of innocent people — and that he has not slept properly since.
“He quoted the Beatitudes,” Finster said, staring at his phone. “Correctly.”
Finster, who has attended a Revelation Seminar every year since 1987 and owns three separate studies identifying the papacy as the little horn of Daniel 7, said the situation has created what he described as “a theological short circuit I was not prepared for.”
“I know what he is,” Finster said carefully. “I have the charts. But then he goes and says that.”
Finster reportedly spent 45 minutes Tuesday night cross-referencing his copy of The Great Controversy for any passage that might explain why agreeing with the pope should still feel wrong. He found several he considered promising but ultimately remained unsettled.
His wife, Darlene, said she has been through this before.
“Gerald agreed with something a Catholic said in 2019 and didn’t eat haystacks for a month,” she said. “He’ll be fine.”
At press time, Finster had drafted and deleted a Facebook share of the pope’s comments four times and was reportedly considering a fifth.
Enjoying this kind of painfully specific religious satire?
If you’ve ever laughed, winced, or felt personally attacked by one of these, that’s exactly the point—and exactly what your support helps continue.
By joining on Patreon, you’re helping keep this weird little corner of the internet alive: more articles, sharper jokes, and increasingly unnecessary deep cuts.
❤️ Love BarelyAdventist? Support us on Patreon for as little as $1 per month
