Silver Spring, MD – Chaos erupted Tuesday at the newly installed Ecclesiastical Security Checkpoint when a brazen female congregant attempted to smuggle “ordination” through the metal detector.
The device exploded in a symphony of red lights and wailing sirens. “ORDINATION DETECTED. NO ACCESS.” Male elders clutched their pearls and shouted, “Stop her!” while one heroic deacon dramatically clutched his forehead in existential distress.
Meanwhile, just meters away, Ministry Leader Karen cheerfully strolled through the “Approved Tasks” scanner carrying a teetering tower of unpaid labor: Evangelism, Budgeting, Teaching, Administration, Counseling, Event Planning, and Children’s Ministry. No alarms. Green light. High fives all around.
“See? This is how the system works,” explained Head Elder Brother Bob, adjusting his “Stop Her!” name tag. “We don’t ordain women — that would be unbiblical. But we’re more than happy to let them run the entire operation for free, 40 hours a week, with a smile and a casserole.”
When asked why the church relies so heavily on female talent without granting official recognition, Bob replied, “Because if we paid them or gave them titles, it wouldn’t be a sacrifice anymore. Duh.”
Sources confirm the woman’s manila folder labeled “Ordination” has been confiscated and placed in the same locked cabinet as the women’s ordination study committee recommendations from 2015.
In related news, the church’s new motto is now available on official coffee mugs in the lobby. Proceeds go to the new security system.
❤️ Love BarelyAdventist? Support us on Patreon for as little as $1 per month
