SILVER SPRING, MD — In a scene reminiscent of Black Friday chaos, local Adventists swarmed the Adventist Book Center (ABC) on Christmas Eve, desperate to secure the season’s hottest gift: the “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jewelry” collection.
The controversial gift set, which includes a variety of adornment-adjacent items, has taken the Adventist world by storm. “It’s perfect for those who want to accessorize without compromising their beliefs,” explained ABC manager, Linda Modest. “We’re seeing unprecedented demand.”
The collection features an assortment of items designed to skirt the line between acceptable and questionable adornment. Highlights include:
• The “Almost Pearl” necklace, made from carefully polished lima beans
• The “Wrist Witness,” a watch face that attaches to a tract-dispensing bracelet
• A “Crown of Life” headband, complete with detachable plastic gemstones
Local church elder, Jim Righteous, was seen leaving the store with armfuls of gift sets. “These are perfect for my daughters,” he exclaimed. “Now they can feel fashionable without risking their salvation. It’s a Christmas miracle!”
Despite the controversy, ABC reports that sales have been nothing short of miraculous. “We’ve had to implement a rationing system,” Modest admitted. “One set per family, unless you can recite all 28 Fundamental Beliefs from memory.”
In response to the overwhelming demand, ABC has announced plans for an expanded line in the new year, including the highly anticipated “Tie Clip of Truth” and “Cufflinks of Righteousness.”
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