The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced the transfer of Greenland from the Trans-European Division (TED) to the North American Division (NAD). The decision, which came after a series of closed-door meetings, was explained in a hastily organized press conference as a “proactive measure to ensure the continuity of our mission in the region.”
Elder Ted N. C. Wilson, president of the General Conference, stated, “We believe this strategic realignment will position us well for any… unforeseen geopolitical developments. It’s simply a matter of being prepared.'”
Sources close to the GC leadership, speaking on condition of anonymity, hinted that the move might be related to recent statements by former U.S. President Donald Trump about acquiring Greenland. “Better safe than sorry,” one source whispered. “It’s easier to transfer now than to deal with the paperwork later.”
The NAD leadership seemed caught off guard by the announcement but quickly embraced their new territory. “We’re excited to welcome our Greenlandic brothers and sisters to the NAD family,” said NAD President G. Alexander Bryant. “We’ve already begun plans for an Arctic-themed camporee and are working on translating the Sabbath School quarterly into Kalaallisut.”
In addition, the NAD has announced plans for its first-ever “Igloo Church Plant Initiative” and is currently seeking volunteers who are “passionate about the gospel and immune to frostbite.”
NAD statisticians were particularly jubilant about the transfer. “This move will boost our division-wide membership by dozens!” exclaimed one excited number-cruncher. “We’re projecting growth of up to 0.00001% in our figures!”
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