Local Adventist homeowner Derek Whitmore shocked solar company representatives yesterday when he declined their financing plan for rooftop solar panels, explaining that Jesus would certainly return well before the break-even point.
“Look, I’ve done the math,” explained Whitmore, pulling out a well-worn copy of The Great Controversy. “Between the state of the world, the Sunday law on the horizon, and these unprecedented times, there’s no way we’re making it another 8-10 years for the panels to pay themselves off.”
The solar consultants from SunBright Energy attempted to highlight the immediate monthly savings and environmental benefits, but Whitmore remained unconvinced. “I appreciate your concern for Creation care, but I’m more focused on my mansion in New Jerusalem. Pretty sure they’ve got unlimited clean energy up there,” he chuckled while adjusting his “Maranatha” bumper sticker.
Whitmore’s wife Sarah rolled her eyes while rearranging a tower of #10 cans. “Last time you did ‘the math,’ we spent 1999 turning Grandma’s inheritance into a Y2K bunker stocked with 300 pounds of Sanitarium Weet-Bix,” she muttered, kicking a dusty case of Worthington Big Franks expired in 2001. “Now the Pathfinders use it to store their camping gear… and your ‘prophecy prep’ makes us the laughing stock of the potluck circuit.”
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