In a stunning reversal of Andrews University’s 2019 decision to ditch its iconic dairy herd, a rogue band of Gen Z students has unleashed bovine chaos across campus. This morning, bleary-eyed faculty and staff awoke to find the lawns of Pioneer Memorial Church dotted with Holsteins, the admin building blockaded by heifers, and a TikTok video captioned “#CowsForChrist” racking up 3 million views.
The mastermind behind the moo-vement? Sophomore business major and self-proclaimed “Vegan Whisperer” Zayden Kratz, 19, who claims the cows were “manifested” after a late-night prayer circle. “We were vibing about how Andrews lost its soul when the dairy closed,” Kratz told BarelyAdventist, adjusting his ethically sourced beanie. “So we Venmo’d some sketchy guy on X who said he had ‘surplus Holsteins.’ Next thing you know, 47 cows are chilling by Nethery Hall.”
Details remain hazy—possibly due to the cloud of patchouli lingering over the operation—but sources confirm the cows arrived via a fleet of rented U-Hauls under cover of darkness.
The Gen Z posse insists this isn’t just chaos—it’s a “sustainable protest.” Armed with QR codes linking to a Google Doc manifesto, they’re demanding Andrews reinstate the dairy as a “carbon-neutral, plant-based-adjacent” operation where cows are milked “only if they consent.” Sophomore influencer Kaylee “NoFilter” Tran livestreamed the uprising on Instagram, declaring, “Boomers killed the cows for profit. We’re bringing them back for the plot.” Her video, set to a lo-fi remix of “Sweet By and By,” has since been reposted by @AdventistMemes with the caption: “When your tuition pays for kale but your heart says moo.”
University administration, still reeling from the 2018 closure fallout, issued a statement calling the stunt “udderly disruptive” and promising disciplinary action once they figure out who rented the U-Hauls.
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