Pastor Bill Fleece of the Everhope Seventh-day Adventist Church announced this Sabbath that the traditional offering collection would be canceled indefinitely. The reason? “Nobody has cash anymore,” Fleece lamented from the pulpit, holding up an empty offering basket as evidence.
The decision came after months of increasingly awkward offering calls where deacons returned from their rounds with nothing but lint, a few crumpled grocery receipts, and one questionable Chuck E. Cheese token. “We’ve been passing the basket for tradition’s sake,” Fleece admitted, “but last week, Brother Simmons tried to Venmo me a dollar during the service, and Sister Edna asked if we take Apple Pay. It’s time to face reality.”
Church treasurer Mabel Pennyworth was less enthusiastic about the change. “Back in my day, people brought crisp $5 bills and shiny quarters. Now it’s all ‘digital this’ and ‘crypto that.’ I don’t even know what a Bitcoin is, but I’m pretty sure it won’t fit in the tithe envelope.”
The shift reflects a broader trend among congregants, many of whom haven’t carried cash since the Great Hand Sanitizer Shortage of 2020. “I’ve got my debit card, my phone, and my emergency haystack recipe,” said young adult leader Tim Cashless. “But dollar bills? That’s boomer energy.”
Not everyone is on board with the cancellation. Longtime member Harold Grumpwell, 87, insists he’ll start bringing meticulously folded $1 bills each week, “just in case Pastor changes his mind.” Grumpwell also muttered something about “the mark of the beast” and “cashless societies,” but was quickly distracted by the potluck announcement.
In response to the offering drought, Everhope SDA is exploring alternatives. A QR code for online giving briefly flashed on the sanctuary screen last month, but it was met with blank stares and one accidental $20 donation to a cat rescue charity. “We’re working on it,” sighed Fleece. “Maybe we’ll just start accepting canned goods again. At least those make noise when you drop them in the plate.”
For now, the offering hymn remains on the schedule—mostly because the organist refuses to learn new songs.
*BarelyAdventist is a satire site and not affiliated with any real Adventist institution. No deacons were harmed in the writing of this story.*
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