A newly leaked survey from the Self-Accredited Center for Denominational Self-Esteem reveals a strident trend: nothing brings Adventists more joy than being right—about anything, anytime, anywhere.
In the bombshell report, 87% of respondents ranked “being correct in doctrinal debates” above other classic Adventist pastimes, such as one-upping your fellow church member’s short-term mission trip stories, explaining Daniel 8:14 at confused potluck tables, and confidently asserting that veggie links are indeed healthier than bacon.
General Conference spokespeople reacted quickly, issuing a nine-step “How To Be Right…Gracefully” guide that somehow spanned 61 pages and included flowcharts for responding to “incorrect” Baptists.
According to the memo, “it is the sacred duty of every church member to gently—but decisively—set the record straight. Bonus points if you can cite Ellen White and an obscure Church Manual footnote.”
Survey highlights include:
43% admit they’d rather rewatch all existing 28 Fundamental Beliefs seminars than publicly concede an error.
71% believe their pastor preaches “mainly to correct others.”
100% of church board comments begin with, “As I’ve always said…”
The only survey question that stumped respondents was “What would you change about Adventist doctrine?”
Ninety-six percent left it blank, with the remaining 4% writing some variation of “Nothing—we’ve got it figured out.”
