THOMPSONVILLE, IL — Three Angels Broadcasting Network announced that Stephen Colbert will be its newest on-air personality, but instantly clarified that the move should in no way be seen as ecumenical.
“We reject any suggestion that partnering with a nationally known Catholic comedian compromises our distinctive mission,” said a tightly-worded 3ABN press release, before noting Colbert will headline a new show called Laughing All the Way to the Millennium.
Colbert, whose “The Late Show” was recently announced to be ending after CBS called time on the program for “purely financial reasons,” reportedly saw the Adventist network’s media budget and said, “It’s nice to finally work somewhere that’s even more allergic to advertising than I am.”
To further emphasize the network’s doctrinal purity, executives confirmed that Colbert will only be allowed to tell jokes that also function as object lessons about the Mark of the Beast, dress reform, or Ellen White’s health counsels. “This isn’t ecumenism — it’s evangelism with a laugh track,” they added.
The General Conference’s Communications Department hurried to issue its own statement reminding members that “just because we’re platforming a Catholic, doesn’t mean we’re cooperating with Catholics.” The statement will be read at all camp meetings under the title How To Be Friendly Without Being Babylonish.
Doug Batchelor, when reached for comment, said only: “I always knew the little horn had big glasses.”
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Insiders say Colbert’s arrival could spark a wave of cross-denominational hires, with speculation that Trevor Noah and Walter Veith may soon co-host a “Late Great Controversy Show” in prime time—assuming they can agree on a single conspiracy theory.
