Before you even take a bite, your senses can tell when a brownie is carob and not chocolate—here’s how to know for sure.
1. You didn’t ask if it was carob, but your soul whispered, “Danger.”
2. It looks like chocolate, but somehow also looks tired.
3. The texture says, “I was once a bean, and not the good kind.”
4. It smells like righteousness and disappointment mixed together.
5. The person who handed it to you said, “Trust me.” Never trust those words.
6. The frosting has the same energy as a Pathfinder uniform shirt: stiff, beige on the inside, and doing its best.
7. The label says “fudge,” but the Holy Spirit quietly says, “No.”
8. You bite it, and immediately remember every altar call you’ve ever walked up for.
9. The baker starts giving a testimony about health reform before you even swallow.
10. There’s a 93 percent chance it came from a decades-old Better Living Cookbook in the church library.
11. You suddenly feel the urge to apologize to your taste buds for something they didn’t do.
12. The brownie crumbles like it wants to be free from this mortal coil.
13. Your mouth gets dry in a way Ellen White never warned you about.
14. You taste it and think, “This must be what manna tasted like that one week Israel was being disciplined.”
15. After one bite, you immediately know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is a potluck dessert. And that someone’s aunt is very proud of it.
16. You instinctively scan the room for the nearest Adventist grandmother who’s about to say, “It’s good for you.”
17. And the final sign: halfway through chewing, you find yourself googling, “Why do Adventists do this to themselves?”
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If You’ve Ever Needed Emotional Support After a Substitute Disaster…
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We’re basically group therapy for Adventists recovering from substitutes. We joke because it’s cheaper than counseling, and honestly, someone has to say out loud that not everything “wholesome” tastes like hope.
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