Adventists are a special breed: committed, passionate, and often hilariously particular about… well, everything. If your goal is to alienate your friends while remaining a devout churchgoer, here’s a foolproof guide.
1. Correct Everyone’s Biblical Interpretation
Whether it’s a casual dinner conversation or a friendly Bible study, interrupting people to explain why you are right about prophetic timelines or Sabbath rules is a classic alienator. Bonus points if you do it loudly and with charts.
2. Never Let Anyone Forget the Health Message
You’re at a friend’s birthday party, and someone reaches for a piece of cake. Don’t just offer a salad alternative—give a full lecture on sugar’s spiritual dangers. If your friends are still around after that, sprinkle in some “I told you so” for good measure.
3. Question Everyone’s Spiritual Choices
Whether they miss a church event, eat unclean foods, or enjoy a Friday night movie, make sure they feel guilty. Not for them, but to showcase your own spiritual vigilance. (Actually, don’t do this—this one’s a trap. True friendship survives judgment poorly.)
4. Brag About Your “Quiet Time”
Nothing says “I’m holier than thou” quite like casually dropping your exact hour and minute devotional schedule in conversation. Bonus: include detailed prayer points. Extra bonus: post it on social media.
5. Evangelize at Every Opportunity
We all love sharing Jesus, but preaching unsolicited to friends mid-laugh or mid-coffee is a fast track to social exile. Consider it a public service: you’re helping them avoid eternity without your corrections.
6. Misuse Ellen White for Everything
Quote Ellen White out of context in debates about everything from food to politics to friendship etiquette. She has some genuinely amazing insights—but if you wield her like a spiritual hammer, don’t be surprised when people duck.
7. Turn Sabbath into a Competitive Sport
“Look at me! I walked 10,000 steps to church, studied two chapters, and didn’t even glance at the newspaper!” Constant comparison will quickly make your friends feel like they’re failing at holiness.
8. Refuse to Forgive or Laugh at Human Mistakes
Everyone slips up. Everyone fails. If your default reaction is judgment rather than grace, you might notice your friends making a habit of being… elsewhere.
9. Share Only the Doctrinal Wins
Forget vulnerability or personal struggle. Only post about Bible trivia you mastered, health milestones you achieved, or prophetic knowledge you unlocked. This keeps your social media feed sterile and your friends distant.
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Barely Adventist: Adventism, But Actually Fun
Tired of perfectionism, judgment, and spiritual one-upmanship? Welcome to Barely Adventist, the place where Adventism doesn’t push people away—it brings them closer. Here, we laugh at ourselves, celebrate imperfection, eat cake on Sabbath, and actually read Ellen White for wisdom instead of wielding her like a hammer.
Supporting Barely Adventist means helping create a community where faith is alive, human, and joyful. Your contribution keeps satirical posts, essays, videos, and conversations flowing—content that challenges tradition with grace, not guilt. It’s a rebellion against alienation, one laugh, one insight, and one conversation at a time.
