WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new economic promise announced today, former President Donald Trump vowed he would never impose tariffs on Adventists—because Ben Carson is one.

“I have tremendous respect for Ben. He’s a fantastic guy. And he’s an Adventist,” Trump said while gesturing broadly at a nearby plate of Big Franks. “So here’s the deal: Adventists? You’re safe. Nobody is getting tariffed. Nobody. Ben’s Adventist, and that’s enough for me.”

When pressed by reporters on whether the exemption applied to Adventist-adjacent groups—such as vegan Seventh-day Baptists, lifestyle Adventists, or people who simply look Adventist—Trump appeared less certain.

“I don’t know. Ask Ben,” Trump replied. “But if you’re Adventist, you’re fine. That’s the best policy. People love it.”

Political analysts were quick to weigh in, describing the announcement as “the first tariff policy dictated by theology,” adding that it was “both baffling and, somehow, very Trump.”

Ben Carson was reportedly “pleased and slightly bewildered” by the news, though sources say he is still unclear whether the exemption applies to Canadian  Adventists.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Support BarelyAdventist on Patreon. If you enjoy satire that understands Adventism just well enough to lovingly poke it in the ribs, Patreon is how this whole thing keeps running. Your support helps fund the jokes, the essays, the memes, and the occasional theological tariff exemption—plus exclusive content you won’t see anywhere else. If BarelyAdventist has ever made you laugh, cringe, or say “wow, that’s uncomfortably accurate,” consider becoming a patron and keeping the satire coming.