SILVER SPRING, Md. — A new fundamental belief for the Seventh-day Adventist Church is in the pipeline according to an official statement from the General Conference. Although the exact language of the belief is yet to be crafted, leaders promise that the new fundamental will “ensure perfect consistency and a sweet spirit of harmony as Adventists tackle haystack preparation.”
“Some Adventist may be upset that we are establishing guidelines for haystack prep but we promise that this new fundamental will put the ‘fun’ back in ‘fundamental,'” said General Conference Director of Creed Creep, Trop de Fromage.
Challenges for the new fundamental are already surfacing as church administrators clash over what constitutes “biblically-supported haystack ingredients and their proportions,” said Fromage. “Some of our dear brothers and sisters seem to think that Fritos are somehow sacred and can’t occasionally be replaced with other corn chips brands or even those really fun guacamole chips. That’s just plain wrong.”
Although countless committees, billable hours and cups of Postum have already been allocated to ironing out the intricacies of the “haystack belief”, Fromage says that church resources budgeted for the task will be well spent.
Fromage also sought to calm the fears of members that claim the ever-growing list of fundamental beliefs contradicts the simple vision of Adventist founders. “We realize that we started off as a young and nimble church that did not believe in something as stodgy and settled as a creed,” said Fromage. “We just need one last fundamental to get it right.”
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