It was supposed to be a simple children’s story time at the Piney Woods Adventist Church. But the sweet-as-pie Sister Hubbard had other plans when she took her place on stage.
“Hi boys and girls!” the elderly lady began with her trademark warm smile. “Who’s ready for an exciting Bible adventure today?”
The kids eagerly raised their hands and voices with adorable cheers of “Me! Me!” Pastor Jenkins slouched back in the front pew, expecting some variation on David and Goliath or Daniel in the Lion’s Den. No need to really pay attention.
“Wonderful!” Sister Hubbard continued. “Today’s story is from the book of Judges. It’s all about trusting in the Lord’s power to conquer the strongest foes!”
Jenkins gave a contented nod. Yes, a nice clash between the Israelites and Philistines should be perfect for the young’uns.
“There was once a powerful commander named Sisera who led the forces of the evil King Jabin. The Israelites were being so cruelly oppressed by Sisera and his 900 iron chariots!”
So far, so good. Jenkins zoned out a bit as Sister Hubbard launched into exposition about Deborah the judge and Barak’s army. But then her tale took a jarring turn.
“After being defeated, Sisera fled on foot and came across the tent of a woman named Jael. She invited him in and said ‘Come in, my lord! Come inside and don’t be afraid!’ So Sisera went into her tent, and Jael covered him with a blanket.”
Jenkins began to feel a growing sense of unease. Where was this going exactly?
“But while Sisera slept, Jael took a tent peg and a hammer…and crept over to where the wicked commander was snoring. Then she RAISED THE HAMMER AND SLAMMED THE TENT PEG THROUGH SISERA’S SKULL!”
A few kids screamed at Sister Hubbard’s dramatic reenactment. Jenkins’s eyes bulged in horror.
“YES, THAT’S RIGHT!” she yelled with perverse relish. “SHE POUNDED IT STRAIGHT THROUGH HIS HEAD UNTIL THE TENT PEG PIERCED DOWN INTO THE GROUND! BLOOD AND BRAIN MATTER WENT EVERYWHERE!”
“OKAY, THANK YOU SISTER HUBBARD!” Pastor Jenkins cried out, leaping up in desperation. But the fired-up old lady wasn’t finished.
“AND THEN WHEN BARAK ARRIVED LOOKING FOR HIM, JAEL TOOK THEM TO THE TENT AND PULLED BACK THE BLANKET TO REVEAL SISERA’S MUTILATED CORPSE WITH THE TENT PEG STICKING OUT OF HIS–”
“SONGSERVICE! CHILDREN, WHO WANTS TO PICK OUT THE FIRST HYMN?!” the pastor hollered, hurtling towards the podium to finally extricate Sister Hubbard by force if needed.
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