SILVER SPRING, Md. --- In a controversial ruling that sent shockwaves throughout the denomination, Adventist leaders decided to remove all organs from Adventist churches because of their tendency to frighten little children.
"It should tell us something that organ music is frequently used in horror movies and freakish murder scenes," said GC Director of Walkbacks Blake Hoven.
"Little children shouldn't have to hide under pews as some crazed maniac attacks organ keys and pedals in postludes that could double as Dracula soundtracks."
Hoven reminded members that leadership doesn't approve of drums in church because they are loud, irreverent and disruptive. He said it was time to apply the same logic to organ music.
"We have raised generations of Adventists with complexes connected to terrifying, thunderous, war-like organ music heard since childhood."
Hoven said the denomination's current organ inventory would be sold with all proceeds going to "beefing up our bell choir resources."