SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Senior leaders at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists are reviewing a list of secret locations to which staff and day-to-day operations could relocate if real estate mogul and Republican frontrunner Donald Trump wins the US presidency. Trump is widely seen as a threat to religious freedom and personal liberty, two values highly prized by the denomination.
GC Emergency Mobility Department spokesperson Oye Vamos said that while, for obvious reasons, he could not divulge the locations under consideration, leadership was exclusively considering caves.
Vamos said that veteran Adventist evangelist and former cave dweller Doug Batchelor had been summoned to the Silver Spring headquarters of the church "to talk options." Batchelor has reportedly advised against a relocation to the specific cave he lived in as a wayward youth, as that would prove too obvious a hideout.
Although Vamos said that a minimum Pathfinder qualification of "Explorer" was a condition for GC employment, all full-time GC staff not involved in location selection are currently taking refresher courses in essential skills, such as cat species recognition and soap carving.