Adventist’s attempts at seducing wife with Song of Solomon end with night on couch

Better luck next time
Better luck next time
BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — An Adventist husband, who declined to be named, expressed disappointment that describing his wife’s teeth as “a flock of shorn sheep” and her breasts as “two baby deer,” while calling her endearing terms such as “my sister, my bride” did not result in the action he was hoping for on a quiet Friday evening.

“I had hoped she would respond by telling me to come to her garden and eat her choicest fruits,” he stated with a chagrined look, “but instead of the passionate kisses I was hoping for, she told me it was my turn to do the dishes and that I should sleep on the couch that evening.”

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He ended by recommending that other Adventist spouses exercise discernment in which passages of scripture should be quoted to their spouses after a romantic date night of haystacks and Bible study.

Special thanks to Melinda Wong for the story submission


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  1. Donald Tramp

    Not sure which song the “Song of Solomon” is, but it sounds lame. Melania prefers “Bailando” by Enrique Iglesias. But I spent the evening reading “Two Corinthians” to her, and it was a YUGE tremendous success. Try it!

  2. E.G. Why

    He had no business trying to seduce her, indulging the “animal passions.” The “act of marriage” is only for procreation. (In fact, I got pregnant by osmosis.) Men just need to Stop. Acting. Like. Animals. Adventists must avoid the “canine passions.” If he thinks he’s a stud, he belongs in the doghouse!

  3. Li'l Deb

    Memo to All Men:
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍It really isn’t so difficult to seduce your wife. It’s a proven fact that women have a sweet tooth, which is an erogenous zone. Just break out a case of Little Debbie® Oatmeal Creme Pies. Best aphrodisiac this side of the Mississippi.

  4. Eve Adams

    Jealous SDA women should be the first to beg their husband to go to bed with them, as often as possible–as often as he can stand it. Reason? A well-satisfied man won’t be interested in straying. He will roll over and fall asleep and probably won’t care much for romance for a day or two until his hormones get “recharged.” Jealous SDA women, pay attention. It works.

  5. Theo Logian

    It says he did not get “the action he was hoping for on a quiet Friday evening.” That’s the problem! The Sabbath starts on Friday evening, and his wife knows that sex is a sin on Sabbath. Try again after sunset on Saturday night.

  6. Mad Donna

    Marriage is basically a legalized form of harlotry where the wife gives services in the bedroom in exchange for financial support from the husband. When you boil it all down, it’s money for sex — a crime in most states.

    • Ray Kraft

      Mad Donna, you’re so right on.

      It’s a crime to trade a little money for a little sex for a little while. That’s called “Prostitution.” But it’s just fine to trade a lot of money for a little sex for a long time, that’s called “Holy Matrimony.”

      The other funniest thing, of course, if you do it for free, or for dinner and drinks, or a movie, or a Heritage Singers concert, or something like that, no problem, a sin fer sure, but not a crime.

      If you do it for a dollar, to jail you go!

  7. Burny Colonel Sanders

    Donald has a Twitter problem; Hillary has an e-mail problem; Bill has a female intern problem; the gentleman in this report has a crabby-wife problem. And Donald has “small hands.” Everybody has problems. Vote for Burny Sanders – “A Future to Believe In,” with a campaign that has no future whatsoever.

  8. Puri Tan

    Sevvy should do a story about an SDA getting condemned for watching Star Wars in a movie theater — and the condemner watches it at home. Can anyone explain what is wrong with watching the exact same movie in a different location? Maybe it’s because the popcorn is stale at the cinema? Or because it has the screen is bigger?

    • Farah Sea

      Simple answer. It’s because worldly people are in the cinema (never mind that they are also in the grocery store and Walmart) and your guardian angel will have to wait outside.

    • Socrates

      Johnny: Daddy, why can’t we watch this movie at the cinema instead at home?

      Daddy: Because worldly people are at the cinema.

      Johnny: Aren’t worldly people at the grocery store and Walmart, too?

      Daddy: Yeah, but the people at the cinema are really worldly.

      Johnny: How do you know?

      Daddy: Because they go to the cinema.

  9. richard mills

    I once read in a Holy Book, “And Judas went out and hung himself. Go thou and do likewise.” This sex thing is spooking me out. This jerk should have been good looking like Solomon, wealthy as Solomon and wise as Solomon. And Bathsheba must have been something to look at!! We will all find out when we all get to Heaven. Right? I like the idea of Little Debbies. Chocolate flavors do the trick-get it? the trick. It used to work for all my female friends when in college. Woe iz me!! MEMO to Donald Dump-you should begin to read Third Corinthians.

  10. Theo Cruise

    This is hilarious…. Who would have thought that using The Song of Solomon would have created such a stream of carnal wisdom just over a little role in a haystack! No wonder my lovely wife Hidethee loves BA so much!

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