Ben Carson declared president-elect of Southern Adventist University

(Southern) President-elect, Ben Carson
(Southern) President-elect, Ben Carson
BREAKING NEWS

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — In a surprise announcement this morning, Southern Adventist University named Adventist former neurosurgeon and GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson, president-elect of the institution.

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“We are happy to announce the end of a long and arduous search process for a successor to our beloved Dr. Gordon Bietz,” said Southern spokesperson, Masymas Reglas. “With his extremely distinguished medical and academic credentials, we are confident that our future is safe in Dr. Carson’s gifted hands.”

The neurosurgeon has yet to formally suspend his US presidential campaign but said that he had signalled his “openness to the Southern job” as his campaign faltered significantly after a brief stint atop the Republican polls.

Carson admitted that his new Southern job was “cold consolation” when compared to the prospect of leading the free world but that he would be taking over from outgoing university president, Gordon Bietz in May 2016 “barring some kind of miracle.”

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15 Comments

  1. The Southern spokesperson has a very appropriate name: “Masymas Reglas.” Yup, Southern does have “more and more rules,” such as a $25 fine for a first offense and $50 fine for a second offense for any kind of jewelry. “President-elect” Carson should read this Bible study before taking office at SAU: God Likes Jewelry.

    • JOE SDA

      LOVE IT. GOD HAS NO ISSUES WITH HIS CREATURES ENJOYING SOME OF LIFE’S PLEASURES. GOD HAS ISSUES WITH HUMANS NOT ACKNOWLEDGING HIM AS CREATOR AND HIS SON AS SAVIOR.
      ALL ORGANIZED RELIGIONS HAVE “CLUB RULES”.
      LAST SUMMER THE RULES WERE EXPANDED AND CHANGED. SOME RULES ARE SILLY AND OTHERS OK.
      GOD GAVE HUMANS LIFE, SATAN GAVE US DEATH.
      GOD GAVE HUMANS FOOD AND DRINK, SATAN GAVE US GLUTTONY AND DRUNKENNESS.
      GOD GAVE US MAN & WOMAN, SATAN GAVE US MAN & MAN.
      GOD GAVE THE JEWS A SABBATH FOR REST, SATAN GAVE US CONFUSION AND THE GUILT OF A HEAVY YOLK IF “NOT PROPERLY OBSERVED”.
      IN THE YEAR 33AD, GOD GAVE US 1 RULE FOR SALVATION, JOHN 3:16, SATAN GAVE US THE BURDEN OF THE JEWS “DO THIS AND DONT DO THAT” & “EAT THIS, DONT EAT THAT”.
      GOD GAVE US THE TRUTH AND THE PATH TO HIM.
      RELIGION SOMETIMES DRAWS ATTENTION AWAY FROM GOD AND ONTO ITSELF….. WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO HAVE “SDA FUNDAMENTAL BELIEFS?
      STILL THE SDA CHURCH IS THE CHURCH I WAS RAISED IN AND STILL ATTEND…. GOTTA GO SOMEWHERE.

  2. Neal Eric Andreasen

    Wait a minute, now. Ben Carson can’t be in two places at once. He is already a finalist to replace the president of Andrews University, Dr. Niels-Erik Andreasen, who is also retiring next year.

    Other finalists include Dr. Gordon Bietz (currently president of Southern Adventist University, who has announced that he is retiring next year); Dr. Dwight Nelson (senior pastor of the Pioneer Memorial Church on the Andrews campus); Dr. Ted Wilson (president of the General Conference, sometimes known as the SDA Papacy); and Mr. Doug Batchelor (a former nude caveman, turned televangelist, master of back-flips, and vehement critic of women’s ordination).

    One look at this list, and it becomes obvious what is happening: Dr. Bietz got wind of Dr. Andreasen’s coming retirement and conveniently timed his own “retirement” to coincide with the opening at Andrews. He knew the Southern community would never forgive him for transferring to Andrews (and transferring his loyalty to the Andrews flag-football team), so he concocted an elaborate plan to “retire” from SAU and simultaneously assume the presidency of Andrews.

  3. Gordy Beets

    I hope everyone knows this fake news story is fiction. It’s the opposite of the truth. In fact, Dr. Bietz is leaving Southern to join Ben Carson as his Vice-President running mate. Inviting Bietz to join his campaign was the smartest move Carson has ever made. Now, with Dr. Bietz on the ticket, Dr. Carson actually stands a chance. Vote Carson / Bietz 2016 !!!

  4. Leslee Pollart

    Hold on. What about the secret deal we worked out with Carson for Oakwood University? When Dr. Pollard leaves Oakwood to become president of Howard University next year, Ben agreed to assume the presidency of Oakwood. What’s up with that? Ben is looking more and more like a two-time or three-timer. . . .

  5. Richard Mills

    If & when Carson is President of SMU, let’s hope & pray he institutes a class in brain surgery. Then he can perform lobotomies on all students, faculty and etc. to figure out what’s going on down the south land. Carson could the next King of the South! ‘Splain to me how I can get in on the action. Double Woe iz me!!

    • Sum Ting Wong

      Ha ha! You actually think LaDonald Trumpster is going to win the GOP primaries? Think again. The loud-mouthed buffoon doesn’t have a chance. Ted Cruise-control is a very smart lawyer who argued more cases in the U.S. Supreme Court than just about anybody in America, and he is gaining traction over Trumpty Dumpty in some polls. I predict that Donald Dump will fade away and go play his Trumpette. But you’re right about one thing: Ben Carsinogen should take the first face-saving offer he can get, to be the president of a two-year community college or principal of a preschool, or whatever.

      • Dr. Wi Tu Lo

        You’re all full of it. Anyone with half a brain can see that a brain surgeon like Carson would be the perfect pick for the new Surgeon General of the United States. Here is what really will happen, and I’ll put my neck under the chopping block for it: Donald Trump will win the Republican nomination. Marco Rubio will be his VP running mate, and if elected they will appoint Dr. Carson as Surgeon General, and Ted Cruz as Attorney General.

          • Milly Brown-Rice

            Just like I’ve been saying: instead of writing this website, why can’t Sevvy use his talents to write something worthwhile, like raunchy rap lyrics or Ben Carson’s hip-hop commercials?

  6. Kelly Friedland

    Not only is Dr. Carson headed to the presidency of Southern, his wife is also invited to chair the vocal music department, after she wowed the audience with her incredible performance of the national anthem at a campaign event in Iowa:

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