Beyoncé to make sugar-free Lemonade on 3ABN

Beyoncé is full of surprises
Beyoncé is full of surprises
WEST FRANKFORT, Ill. — In a first for Adventist television, singer Beyoncé will host what she calls a “healthy-drinking” segment in which she demonstrates how to prepare sugar-free lemonade on Three Angels Broadcasting Network (3ABN.)

The star who recently released her “visual” album Lemonade on her husband Jay Z’s music streaming service, Tidal, said that she felt the album’s release was a perfect occasion to talk about healthy alternatives to traditional, sugar-laden lemonade.

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“We don’t usually have mainstream stars on 3ABN,” said network spokesperson, Channelle Esperanza. “But we thought Beyoncé plugging healthy drink prep might be an innovative way to share the health message.”

The sugar-free recipe Beyoncé will prepare on 3ABN stands in direct contrast with the mainstream recipe she also shared with the release of her Lemonade album:

“Take one pint of water, add a half pound of sugar, the juice of eight lemons, the zest of half a lemon. Pour the water from one jug, then into the other several times. Strain through a clean napkin.”

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  1. The 3ABN network spokesperson, has quite an ironic name, “Channelle Esperanza” (“Hope Channel”).

    The word on the street is that Pacific Press and 3ABN are also teaming up to produce a new line of sugar-free, vegetarian jewelry. That will be something to behold.

  2. Donald Dump

    Beyoncé is nothing but a surrogate for Hellary or Burny, trying to take attention away from my campaign and the tremendous Great Wall of Mexico. This is a Great (YUGE) Disappointment!

  3. Lem On Ade

    Will she have a carob-flavored variety with lots of Fri-Chik and Little Debbies? Can’t go to heaven without them thar “righteous foods.” Everybody knows the Tree of Life will bear twelve manner of haystacks.

  4. Pablo Harvey

    Miss Beyoncé will be an excellent role model for young SDA girls and aspiring cooks. The Mormons and JW’s will undoubtedly flock to watch her too. The Nielsen ratings will go through the roof.

  5. Meggan Kelley

    It should not be a surprise. According to recent rumors, she’s been dating Danny for the past eight years since he divorced Brandy, after dumping Linda for “spiritual adultery.” The spiritual giants at 3ABN are wonderful and inspiring. Move over, Enoch, Moses, and Elijah!

    • richard mills

      I’m right here where I ‘ve always been. I like Bey’. She will do wonders for the SDA social media, et al. She be my kinda woman, you know what I mean? She could have one of those wardrobe moments similar to another popular singer. Have no fear, Beyonce’ is here. Now you can watch 3ABN 24/7. By the way,
      she doesn’t know how to cook or bake. That’s a big PR thing. She is more like the Pillsbury dough boy method of cooking. She needs to read up on Counsels on Diets & Foods. Somebody say, “AMEN” Louder, I can’t hear you!! Woe iz me!!

  6. richard mills

    This satire stuff is getting too real for me. My doctor says to rest 24 hours, then skip a day, take my meds and resume the rest. I ain’t gonna have much time to watch the new 3ABN schedule. The blind is leading the blind. Maybe I’ll watch some old Benny Hinn reruns. Or was it Benny Hill? My mind ain’t what it used to be since reading all this stuff on BA. Woe iz me!!

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