Dwight Nelson declared missing person, last seen playing Pokémon GO

Last seen playing Pokémon GO
Last seen playing Pokémon GO
BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Police officials declared Pioneer Memorial Church Senior Pastor Dwight Nelson missing this morning.

The well-known Adventist evangelist was last seen playing Pokémon GO yesterday while navigating the grounds of Andrews University in a series of sprints and excited jumps, all performed with his eyes glued to his phone screen.

All kidding aside, click to learn more about Union College

Office staff at the university-based church said that Nelson had taken an unusually early lunch break yesterday, mumbling something about urgent errands as he stumbled out of his office, tapping excitedly on his phone.

The sight of Nelson moving distractedly around Andrews did not intitally alarm others on campus. Eyewitnesses remarked that the pastor was behaving a lot like he normally does when he’s out of sermon illustrations.

PMC spokesperson Pollo de Samn asked local residents to keep an eye out for Nelson. He appealed to local Pokémon GO enthusiasts, asking them to do all they could to “bring this lost sheep back to the fold.”

“Dwight Spottings” are to be reported immediately to local authorities, said Samn. “Also, please confiscate his phone.”


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26 Comments

  1. I’m afraid Pastor Nelson could be in danger, like the two men who fell 90 feet down a cliff while playing Pokémon Go last week in California. Not surprisingly, the men sustained injuries. Pastor Dwight could be anywhere — even at the Terrace Cafe or over at Caitlan’s, pigging out on some “Sam’s Chicken.” Please tell them to keep searching!

  2. Ruth Bladder Ginsing

    To the “wise guy” who said Dwight Nelson is running for President in 2020: I don’t really know who Mr. Nelson is, but anybody would be better than Trump. If I’m still in my right mind by then, I may vote for him.

  3. 7Upper

    Nothing new, we called it hunting heretics, 40 years ago. Our noses were in a Red Book of our choice and we energetically peeked out often of enough to track down despicable heretics, Ellen White doubters, and screamed loudly, even in classrooms when they sinned with wrong statements. Some of us are still at work all over the world on the same mission of purification. Any Heretic Hunters who accidentally died in the process are now in heaven with 72 banana splits for their meals (indigestion can’t happen there).

      • Steve

        Actually, God loves the smell of burning meat (various Bible text) a sweet aroma He says, had meat with Abraham. So I doubt that you will find pretend meat in heaven. Personally, I’m hoping for the biggest barbecue in history up in heaven.

    • Mike Miranda

      Well, many preachers (including my own pastor) regularly borrow entire sermons from online repositories or books. Last week I asked my pastor what the title of the sermon would be. He told me, and out of suspicion and curiosity I googled it. I found a sermon by the exact same title in a free collection online. I printed it out and took it with me to church. I read along silently, word for word, as he preached that same sermon — with no attribution or citation to the real author. He didn’t even change the personal anecdotes about the author’s relatives and the author’s college experiences, so it sounded weird. But he just read it word for word “as his own.” At one point, the ceiling fan blew the page off of the pulpit. I was so tempted to read the next sentence out loud from my printed copy! (But like a good Christian, I spared him the embarrassment.)

  4. Will Tedson

    Dwight Nelson is a secret political operative, and he went AWOL from Pioneer Memorial Church to scope out the national convention this week. He knows that Donald Tramp is a false-flag candidate. The Donald does not want to win the election. Hellary is one of Don’s best friends. The Donald’s secret ambition is to help Killary win. That is the real reason why he says so many off-the-wall, divisive, and offensive things — because he secretly wants to turn people away from the GOP and drive them into the arms (and pocketbook and voting booth) of Hellary.

  5. Mark Thrice

    I guess I’m going to the Lake of Fire and Brimstone. Why? Because I’m single, and Paul the Epistle said it is better to burn than to marry. I think it’s somewhere in Three Corinthians.

  6. richard mills

    I forgot to notify all of you that Dwight & me went on a little fishing trip way out in Lake Michigan. also, we was looking for the Edmund Fitzgerald remnants. No luck in fishing or the Fitzgerald. We should be back at PMC this coming Sabbath. Save some pot luck food for us. By the way, we brought along some Little Debbies for extra strength. Yummy yummy-good for your tummy. Please join us on our next safari down the St. Joe River for literature distribution.

  7. richard mills

    I forgot to notify all of you that Dwight & me went on a little fishing trip way out in Lake Michigan. also, we was looking for the Edmund Fitzgerald remnants. No luck in fishing or the Fitzgerald. We should be back at PMC this coming Sabbath. Save some pot luck food for us. By the way, we brought along some Little Debbies for extra strength. Yummy yummy-good for your tummy. Please join us on our next safari down the St. Joe River for literature distribution.

  8. richard mills

    Have no fear, we is all back here in Berrien Springs. Had lunch in the cafeteria. Went over to the Burger King for a milk shake. Come on over and see me sometime. Meet me in the Apple Valley aisle with the peanut butter.

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