The Andrews University researchers found that, on average, the weekly cumulative gold content of watches at an Adventist Church was enough to comfortably fill a calf statue mold.
“We haven’t even started on the gold content of tie pins, broaches or premium Bible bookmarks,” said lead researcher Verklig Guldsmed. “But I’m pretty sure you’d have a respectable herd of golden cattle if we did.”
“We are not the slightest bit concerned with what our members’ watches are made of, that is their business and not ours,” said General Conference Christian Lifestyle spokesperson Redirreccion Rapido after being confronted with the researchers’ results. He added that he would appreciate it if members stopped contacting him about “peripheral matters” that wasted time and energy.
“However, the minute you see hoops or studs of any material in members’ ears you can call my department’s hotline and we’ll be happy to add them to our watchlist of questionable congregations,” said Rapido.
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