Ted Wilson toasting 2016: “Jesus turned water into Martinelli’s”

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General Conference President Ted Wilson
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Ted Wilson, president of the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists, toasted 2016 with a glass of Mattinelli’s apple cider at an office New Year’s Eve party last night. As he held up his glass he remarked that the beverage was of special importance to Adventists since it was “the product or Jesus’ first miracle.”

Wilson’s statement resulted in raised eyebrows among even his most loyal GC execs. “I could have sworn Jesus turned water into grape juice,” said Thomas Doughter of the GC Temperance Department. “The closest Martinelli’s match would be Sparkling Red Grape and nowhere in the Bible does it state that Jesus also came up with carbonation.”

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Brushing his skepticism aside, Doughter remarked to others at his table that he was relieved that “at least we now have some closure on the whole wine thing.” He quietly resolved to share the new revelation with the next snarky non-Adventist that challenged his teetotaling ways.

Less than an hour after Wilson’s statement, brand owner S. Martinelli & Company released a press release expressing “heartfelt thanks for the incredible product endorsement by the leader of our most faithful customer base.”

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35 Comments

    • STU REDMAN

      YEAH. AND THE BLIND WERE NOT BLIND, THEY ONLY HAD POOR VISION. AND THE CRIPPLED MAN WAS NOT CRIPPLED, HE WAS LAZY. WE SDA ALWAYS WANT TO WATER THINGS DOWN, HARD FOR US TO ACCEPT THE WINE IS NOT THE EVIL, THE ABUSE OF IT IS. SEX IS NOT EVIL, THE ABUSE AND DISTORTION IS. ETC ETC.
      HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU.

  1. Russell "Rusty" Nail

    I was always taught that Jesus produced Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice at the miracle of Cana. Others say it was just plain generic grape juice. But some scholars say it was real wine, like the Southern California Adventists drink. And now Ted Wilson proclaims a third opinion: that it was apple cider. So now I’m confused. I’m a loyal SDA, but I don’t understand how “wine” can be “apple juice.” I just don’t know what to believe any more.

    • Ray Kraft

      Yes, a lot of people probably don’t understand how “wine” can be Martinelli’s Sparkling Apple Juice. That’s okay. You don’t have to understand. It’s a magical miracle. Magical miracles are beyond understanding, such as, for instance, the magical and miraculous mathematical equation, 3 = 1, and 1 = 3.

    • B'Rock O'Bomba

      Don’t worry, Rusty. Your first teachers hit the nail on the head. Recent archaeological discoveries prove that it was, indeed Welch’s brand Sparkling Grape Juice, not generic grape juice (and certainly not apple cider). Not need to be confused any longer.

    • Will Tedson

      This is not a joke: doctors have found several cases of people with auto-brewery syndrome, where food in their intestines ferments into ethanol enough to raise their blood-alcohol level. It can make some people to get drunk without drinking a drop. Doctors recommend taking probiotics and avoiding oral antibiotics, in order to stave off the candida yeast infection that they believe to be the culprit in producing the alcohol from carbohydrates in food.

    • Adventist ??

      “Rusty”, thank you for the “real wine” link. Very interesting.
      I just can not understand why the SDA church keeps their “official” head in the sand about, not only this, but so many other things.
      People leave the church all the time, because, with a little research, truth is found, lies are discovered, and hypocracy seen.
      If only the SDA church was the vibrant, truly Christ-centered, Bible only (without the filter) believing, body of faith it is meant to be.

  2. Biblical Research Inst.

    We at the GC Bible Research Institute stand in unison with Pastor Wilson. The best available manuscripts of the ancient Greek New Testament clearly state that Jesus made “Μαρτινελλι’ς ξιδερ” (“Martinelli’s Cider”) at the wedding, not “οινοσ” (“wine”). Only the best SDA BRI scholars are able to read and interpret these manuscripts correctly. That is why most other denominations (even JW’s) are mistaken on this issue.

  3. Washington News

    BREAKING NEWS: After receiving the news from Ted Wilson’s dubious proclamation, and after suffering the surprise resignation of 3 top campaign leaders and 20 staffers on New Year’s Eve, Ben Carson has renounced his belief that Joseph stored grain in the Pyramids. He also declared that Ted Wilson is a cult leader who deliberately misconstrues Scripture to fit his own ends, and Carson said he is leaving the SDA church (of which he has been only a nominal member, anyway, as he regularly campaigns on Sabbath and attends church on Sunday). Then, in an unexpected New Year’s Day surprise, Dr. Carson abruptly issued his resignation from his own presidential campaign. “That will teach ’em,” he declared. “If the new campaign manager wants to move forward without me, that’s his prerogative. But I quit.”

  4. Hilarious Clinton

    Even Methodists know that “wine” does not mean “apple cider,” especially carbonated apple cider. Whoever this Wilson guy is, I feel sorry for him; he’s so mixed up. I hope he at least doesn’t have a sexist interpretation of scripture. I hope he at least supports ordination of females, and women in leadership. . . .

  5. Richard Mills

    Teddy is not allowed to make declarations about SDA theological beliefs. This can only be done at a GC or in the Spring & Fall GC Division meetings. Teddy is walking on thin ice on this one. He might not be reelected in 2020. I believe a select committee needs to study this item more carefully. Check out the SOP, the Bible, Liturgy scholars, etc. When the results are in, I will then believe. ” Woe unto you scribes and hypocrites who doth not yet see but doth believe.”-Hezikiah 3:20. I’m putting my money on the juice that is cage free, non GMO, range free, gluten free, hormone free and totally organic. I have to go back to my room, now. Woe iz me.

  6. Ray Kraft

    Now, it should be self-evident to all that at the wedding at Caanaa Jesus turned water into real wine, most likely a 1964 Chateau Lafitte Rothschild, since we may assume that Jesus the Winemaker would make only the very best, no?

    Historical records tell us that Martinelli’s Sparkling Apple Cider would not be invented for another 2,000 years, and there is nothing in written in the Bible about not drinking real wine except that one shouldn’t drink too much of it, said Solomon, and that one should drink some of it for thy stomach’s sake, said Paul, and “Take, drink, this is my blood,” said Jesus!

  7. Calvin Wesley

    Overheard recently:

    Tom: “I know that Jesus did not make real wine at the wedding.”

    Jim: “OK. How do you know that?”

    Tom: “Because Jesus wouldn’t do something like that.”

  8. Rand Robert

    Only “Loma Linda Adventists” really believe that Jesus made fermented wine. That is why Southern California SDA’s drink real wine. It’s not that we’re “liberal”; we are very careful and conservative in ensuring that it is organic and vegan!

  9. Fred Flynnstone

    I read up above that Dr. Carson has resigned from his presidential campaign. Where does that leave Gordon Bietz? Just the other day I read that Dr. Bietz is leaving Southern Adv. University to join Ben Carson as his Vice-President running mate. Inviting Bietz to join his campaign was the smartest move Carson has ever made. With Dr. Bietz on the ticket, Dr. Carson actually stands a chance. Vote Carson / Bietz 2016 ! But if Carson has resigned, vote Bietz 2016!!!

    • Ted Turnover

      It doesn’t matter, because this is what will happen: Donald Trump will win the Republican nomination. Marco Rubio will be his VP running mate. They will appoint Dr. Ben Carson as U.S. Surgeon General, and they will appoint lawyer Ted Cruz as U.S. Attorney General. I’ll bet you a dollar that is exactly what will happen.

  10. Richard Mills

    I have often read that Mrs. EGW visited the wine growers in the Napa valley handing out baked delicacies. Never did read what she received in return. Inquiring minds just need to know!! Ya know what I mean? Woe iz me!

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