UPDATE (factual and not at all satirical): About 2 hours after the satirical story below was published, the decision was made to completely scrap electronic voting at GC San Antonio. Here’s a link to Spectrum’s article on the matter: BREAKING: Meridia Electronic Voting Devices Scrapped at General Conference Session:
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Representatives from the world’s leading mafia families in attendance at the San Antonio General Conference Session have heaped praise on the decision to at least temporarily forgo secret voting at the session’s business meetings.
Soon after the church’s official business meetings started, plans to use 21st century electronic voting technology were scrapped until further notice due to malfunctioning equipment. This forced the question of whether to use a secret paper vote or whether to revert to the antiquated and completely public practice of holding up yellow cards to vote on the reelection of the GC president. The delegates opted to go with the yellow cards.
“We stand humbled by the boldness of General Conference delegates in dispensing with secret electronic voting for issues of as much importance as the election of the president of the Adventist Church,” said Alberto Campolo, a mafia spokesperson hailing from Chicago. “Voting of such significance should never be left up to the unpressured conscience of the individual.”
Campolo added that the time-honored and completely public system of delegates holding up yellow cards to vote on issues “is by far the best way to make sure that underlings vote the right way.”
While he realizes that there is so much more to experience at the GC Session, Campolo said that if he took away nothing else to recommend for immediate implementation in mafia circles, it was “GC delegate voting best practices.”
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