Washington, D.C. — Researchers at the National Institute for Social Science have concluded a ten year study into romantic matchmaking by identifying the demographic most likely to have found young adults the perfect romantic match: Seventh-day Adventist mothers.
“We started our research not knowing much at all about the Seventh-day Adventist Church. Boy, were we in for a ride,” said lead researcher Amor Puro. “After delving into the project we found that Adventist mothers have essentially made a career of pressuring their children into marriage, especially if they have invested in sending their children to an Adventist college.”
Puro emphasized that Adventist mothers not only pepper their children with questions about their romantic lives but they “take an astoundingly aggressive matchmaking approach by perpetually trying to introduce their children to Adventists they have met at church or camp meeting or even somewhere as random as a denominational bookstore selling fake chocolate.”
“Adventist adult children find the whole thing quite stifling but Adventist mothers are relentless,” said Puro. “There simply is no stopping them.”
She added that not even old age stops Adventist mothers from their matchmaking pursuits. “Half the reason they want grandchildren is so they can start setting them up with that perfect someone as soon as they are old enough for college.”
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