NASHVILLE, Tenn. — As the clock struck midnight, a van full of residents of Nashville wearily began the drive back to their entirely undamaged city on July 19, happy to greet another day by the skin of their teeth.
“That was a close one,” said self-designated driver and local conspiracy theorist, Tan Nassean, who had readied his entire network for the worst.
A little disappointed that nothing crazier had gone down, Nassean vowed to get to the bottom of why the newspaper ad he’d believed did not prove quite as nuclear as promised, despite its very specific identification of culprits in an entirely black and white war between good and evil.
“We probably just got the timing wrong,” said Nassean, tapping the steering wheel pensively as he navigated his carload of confused but relieved followers down a windy, backwoods road to nowhere.
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