SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference headquarters of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has announced plans to hold a special session to vote on the official dress code for heaven.
“After much prayer and deliberation, we have concluded that the celestial realms require our guidance,” said a spokesperson for the GC. “Given our earthly authority, it only makes sense that we extend our influence to the afterlife.”
The proposed dress code, detailed in a 700-page document titled “Heavenly Attire: Modesty and Sanctity,” outlines strict guidelines that all Remnant souls must follow. Highlights include mandatory floor-length skirts for women, buttoned-up collars for men, and a complete ban on jewelry—though an exception is made for halos, provided they are worn with modesty.
The debate over whether sandals should be permitted, given their biblical significance, has sparked considerable controversy. Some delegates insist that bare feet were good enough for Jesus and should be good enough for everyone else, while others argue that socks with sandals could serve as a reasonable compromise.
“Finally, we have the chance to ensure that heavenly fashion aligns with our standards,” said one enthusiastic delegate. “It’s comforting to know that even in the afterlife, we’ll be able to keep it Sabbathy.”
Critics, however, question the GC’s jurisdiction over heavenly matters. “It’s one thing to decide dress codes for church lobbies, but heaven?” said a church member. “What’s next, voting on the architectural style of our mansions?”
In response to such skepticism, the GC assures the faithful that the vote will be conducted with the utmost solemnity, complete with a pre-vote prayer marathon and the consultation of historic dress standards dating back to Ellen White’s time.
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