The Adventist Church has decided to update its membership transfer process to reflect the pressing needs of its congregations. Starting this summer, incoming members will now have to disclose their relationship status, particularly if they are single, during the two readings of their names.
“We’ve noticed an increased interest from our single members during the transfer readings,” said Pastor Matchmaker, head of the new Singles Awareness Committee. “It only made sense to streamline the process and let everyone know upfront if there’s potential for new romantic connections.”
This new rule is intended to help ease the anticipation and speculation that tends to sweep through the congregation like wildfire whenever a new transfer is announced. “Is she single? Is he single?” whispered in hushed tones will now be answered immediately, allowing the focus to shift back to, well, everything else Adventists whisper about.
In addition to relationship status, incoming members will also need to disclose their hobbies and, in a move that might raise some eyebrows, the number of children they envision having.
“The church is not just a spiritual community; it’s a social one,” explained Sister Socialite, a prominent church matchmaker. “By knowing each other’s hobbies, we can better integrate new members into our activities. And let’s face it, knowing someone’s future family plans is crucial for all those who believe in ‘Be fruitful and multiply’.”
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