Researchers at Loma Linda University’s School of Public Health have unveiled a new vegan substitute so convincing that even die-hard vegans are questioning their life choices.
Dr. Mia Plantlover, lead scientist on the project, explained the conundrum: “We set out to create the ultimate plant-based protein, but we may have gone too far. Our test subjects can’t tell the difference between our product and actual meat. Now they’re having existential crises over their dinner plates.”
The revolutionary product, tentatively named “Is It Really Not Meat?” (IIRNM), was developed as part of Loma Linda’s cutting-edge Plant-Based Nutrition program. Using a proprietary blend of soy, pea protein, and what Dr. Plantlover cryptically refers to as “secret Adventist herbs and spices,” the team has created a substance that mimics the taste, texture, and even the molecular structure of various meats with uncanny accuracy.
Local vegan influencer, Kale Jones, expressed his distress: “I took one bite and panicked. It was too real. I had to call my therapist and schedule an emergency session to reaffirm my vegan identity.”
The Adventist Health Study team, known for their groundbreaking research on vegetarian diets and longevity, is now faced with an unexpected ethical dilemma. “We’ve spent decades proving the health benefits of plant-based diets,” said Dr. Sprout Greenleaf, “but now we’ve created something so meat-like, it’s triggering moral dilemmas among our most committed vegans. It’s like we’ve invented the forbidden fruit of Eden all over again.”
Meanwhile, the product has garnered interest from unexpected quarters. Several carnivorous species at the local zoo have reportedly shown a preference for IIRNM over their usual fare, leading to concerns about potential disruptions in the food chain.
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