SILVER SPRING, Md. — Tired of showing up late to Sabbath School because you refused to start your car on holy time? Fear not, weary Adventist traveler – the General Conference has you covered with their new ride-sharing app, “Advent-Lift.”
This Uber-inspired innovation promises to shuttle you to church faster than you can say “Happy Sabbath!” But there’s a catch (isn’t there always?): all rides must be requested before Friday sundown. That’s right, no last-minute scrambling allowed. Plan ahead or be left behind, sinner!
Advent-Lift boasts some seriously sanctified features:
– Drivers are rated on their ability to arrive at least 30 minutes before Sabbath School (you get refunded your offering if they arrive after opening prayer)
– “Potluck Mode” for those Sabbath afternoons when you’re juggling multiple casserole dishes (extra points if they’re all vegan and gluten-free)
– Music selections limited to Sabbath-appropriate tunes (sorry, no Beyoncé allowed – only Brahms and “He Hideth My Soul”)
And because handling filthy lucre on the Lord’s day is a big no-no, all rides must be prepaid. No cash, no plastic, no problem – just make sure your account is topped up before the Sabbath bells ring.
Of course, not everyone is thrilled about this high-tech development. Elder Graybeard McGrumpypants of the “Get Off My Lawn” SDA Church harrumphed, “Back in my day, we walked uphill both ways in the snow to get to church. These young whippersnappers and their fancy apps are just a sign of the end times!”
But for the Snapchatting, TikTok-ing, avocado toast-munching Adventist youth, Advent-Lift is a godsend. “I can, like, totally catch a ride to church with my squad now,” enthused Kale Moonbeam, 19. “And I don’t even have to put down my phone to do it. Hashtag blessed!”
The GC is already planning future spin-offs, including “Advent-Date” (for singles who want to swipe right on that cute Pathfinder counselor) and “Advent-Study” (for those Sabbath School lesson discussions that just can’t wait until next week).
So go ahead, download Advent-Lift and catch a sanctified ride to church. Just don’t forget to rate your driver five stars – after all, Adventists are all about that heavenly reward.
SPONSORED LINKS
.
