Local Adventist health enthusiast, Gus Beanz, has declared that his vegetarian diet produces what he calls “holier emissions.”
“It’s simple really,” Beanz explained, barely containing his excitement. “If we’re supposed to be temples of the Holy Spirit, then everything that comes out of us should be holy too, right?”
Beanz, who has been a strict vegetarian for the past 15 years, claims that his plant-based diet has not only improved his overall health but has also elevated the spiritual quality of his bodily functions.
“I can feel the difference,” he insisted. “Every time I eat a serving of lentils or a hefty portion of broccoli, I know I’m preparing my body for a truly sanctified release.”
The church’s pastor, Rev. Airy McBreeze, seemed less convinced. “While we appreciate Brother Beanz’s enthusiasm for both health and holiness, we’re not quite sure this falls under our usual interpretation of ‘letting your light shine,'” he commented, discretely opening a window.
Despite the skepticism, Beanz remains committed to his cause. He’s even proposed a new Pathfinder honor called “Gaseous Testimonies,” which has been met with raised eyebrows and pinched noses from the club’s leadership.
As news of Beanz’s claim spreads, the church potluck committee is reportedly considering a separate seating area for the more “spiritually fragrant” members of the congregation.
“It’s all about spreading the good news,” Beanz concluded, oblivious to the growing space around him. “And if that happens to clear a few rooms along the way, well, that’s just the power of plant-based living!”
The local Adventist Book Center has since reported a mysterious surge in sales of air fresheners and scented candles.
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