A General Conference employee was caught red-handed using a Virtual Private Network (VPN) to access independent Adventist websites during work hours. The incident has sent shockwaves through the hallowed halls of the world church headquarters in Silver Spring, Maryland.
Sources close to the matter report that the employee, whose identity remains confidential, was discovered when IT staff noticed suspicious activity on the office network. Upon further investigation, they found that the employee had been secretly accessing websites such as Adventist Today, Spectrum and even the notorious “Adventist Memes for Tween Teens.”
“We’ve always known there were… dissenting voices out there,” said Elder Rulesalot Strictman, head of the newly formed Department of Theological Purity and Internet Censorship. “But to think one of our own would risk eternal damnation—or worse, their job—to read unauthorized interpretations of the 28 Fundamental Beliefs? It’s unfathomable.”
In an exclusive interview conducted via carrier pigeon, the anonymous employee defended their actions:
“I just wanted to know what other Adventists were thinking without having to file a request in triplicate and wait for the Committee on Potentially Subversive Literature to approve it,” they said. “Did you know there are Adventists out there who don’t think the GC is right about everything? My mind is blown!”
In response to this breach of protocol, the General Conference has announced a series of measures to prevent future incidents:
1. Mandatory loyalty oaths to be recited before logging onto any computer
2. Installation of “CarobNet,” a closed intranet system featuring only Ellen White quotes and grainy photos of people wearing suits from the 1950s
3. A new seminar titled “The Internet: Satan’s Worldwide Web of Deception”
Elder Strictman concluded the press conference with a stern warning:
“Remember, brothers and sisters, curiosity killed the cat. And by ‘cat,’ I mean your chances of ever being invited to another Annual Council.”
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