It’s 2025, and we already know what’s coming for Adventism. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
– January 15 – GC implements new “Tithe Transparency Initiative”, publishing list of non-offering givers in church bulletins worldwide. Attendance mysteriously drops by 50% the following Sabbath.
– February 14 – No Ring By Spring’ support group formed at Adventist colleges.
– March 20 – Hope Channel launches new reality show: “So You Think You Can Preach”, with winners awarded their own churches. Losing contestants sent on perpetual literature evangelism tours.
– April 1 – Pacific Union Conference votes to ordain AI pastors, citing shortage of human candidates willing to work for “mission wages”.
– May 20 – GC claims Ellen White’s recently discovered grocery list was divinely inspired, mandates all Adventists follow it for “optimal spiritual nutrition”. Carob sales skyrocket.
– July 4 – Wilson crowned GC President for Eternity
– August 15 – One billion copies of Book of Mormon delivered to front entrance of GC as an act of reciprocation for Great Controversy distribution. GC scrambles to find storage space.
– September 5 – “Conspiracy Theory Thursdays” officially added to weekly Adventist calendar. First topic: “Are vaccines the Mark of the Beast or just really spicy angel tears?”
– October 31 – GC announces plan to purchase Disneyland, vowing to transform it into “E.G. White World” theme park. Main attraction: “It’s a Small Remnant After All”.
– November 22 – Loma Linda University researchers claim to have found the “sin gene”, propose controversial gene therapy to eradicate it. Side effects include sudden aversion to jewelry and dancing.
– December 1 – Annual church-wide brawl erupts over whether Christmas trees should be allowed in sanctuaries. Three hospitalized after being struck with artificial branches.
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