Friday, February 14, 2025

Trump Signs Executive Order Recognizing Only Fritos As Acceptable Haystacks Chips

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In a move that has sent shockwaves through Adventist potlucks across the nation, President Donald Trump has signed an executive order declaring Fritos as the only acceptable chips for use in haystacks. The order, signed late Monday evening in the Oval Office, has left church social committees scrambling and rival chip company executives in a state of panic.

“We’re making haystacks great again,” Trump declared, holding up a bag of Fritos for the cameras. “These are the best chips, folks. Believe me. I know chips. Nobody knows chips better than me.”

The executive order, titled “Ensuring the Integrity and Superiority of Adventist Culinary Traditions,” outlines several key points:

1. All Adventist potlucks must exclusively use Fritos as the base for haystacks.

2. The use of any other chips, including but not limited to Doritos, Tostitos, or generic brands, is hereby prohibited.

3. A new “Frito Force” will be established within the General Conference to enforce this mandate.

4. Violators face penalties including, but not limited to, mandatory attendance at extra-long Sabbath School classes and revocation of potluck privileges.

Reaction from the Adventist community has been mixed. Elder Ted Wilson, president of the General Conference, was seen furiously googling “Are Fritos vegan?” while long-time potluck organizer Martha Soyburger lamented, “But what about my stockpile of Doritos? I bought them in bulk!”

Meanwhile, enterprising Pathfinders have already begun setting up Frito black markets in church basements across the country. One anonymous young entrepreneur, speaking from behind a stack of Frito bags, said, “Supply and demand, baby. I’m earning my Economics honor the American way.”

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