LOS ANGELES, Calif. — In a move that’s shocked no one who’s ever met a California Adventist, the state’s famously laid-back believers have ditched the Seventh-day Adventist Church’s 28 Fundamental Beliefs for something a little less rigid: a single, marathon group hug. The decision, finalized at a beachside conference where flip-flops outnumbered ties 10-to-1, marks the latest chapter in the Golden State’s long history of Adventist corner-cutting and liberal vibes.
“We’ve been tweaking the rules since forever,” said Pastor Chad “Sunshine” Miller, sporting a tie-dye Sabbath shirt and a man-bun. “The 28 Beliefs were, like, a lot of words, man. We figured one big hug says it all—love, grace, community, and no judgment. Plus, it’s way easier to memorize.”
The group hug doctrine, dubbed “Fundamental Belief 1: Squeeze Tight,” passed with a 98% approval rate after a two-hour debate that mostly involved passing around a ukulele and a kale smoothie.
But not everyone’s on board. A lone dissenter, Elder Harold Stickler from Loma Linda’s hardline faction, stormed out muttering about “doctrinal drift” and “hug heresy.” He was last seen clutching a dog-eared Church Manual, shouting, “Ellen didn’t die for this!” into the Pacific breeze. Most attendees just waved and offered him a vegan taco.
The new belief’s rollout is already underway. Sabbath services now feature a 15-minute hug-a-thon, with optional essential oil diffusers and a playlist of Bob Marley covers. “It’s biblical,” insisted Miller, citing Jesus’s touchy-feely moments with disciples. “If He were here, He’d be all, ‘Bro, group hugs beat lectures any day.’”
Critics from the General Conference in Maryland called it “a slippery slope to chaos,” warning that other states might follow suit with their own slacker creeds. Texas Adventists are reportedly mulling a “BBQ Belief,” while Oregon’s crew is eyeing a “Craft Near Beer Covenant.”
Disclaimer: BarelyAdventist hugs the line between satire and sanity. No fundamental beliefs were permanently harmed—yet.
SPONSORED LINKS Follow @BarelyAdventist
SPONSORED LINKS Follow @BarelyAdventist
