Silver Spring, MD – The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has officially intervened in the escalating public squabble between President Donald Trump and tech titan Elon Musk. Their message: “It’s a separation, not a divorce!”
The unprecedented statement, released from the denomination’s headquarters, expressed “deep lament” over the “unChristian conduct” displayed by the two billionaires. “While we generally leave matters of presidential tweets and rocket launches to the Almighty,” read the press release, “the daily spectacle of Brother Trump accusing Brother Musk of ‘going CRAZY’ and Brother Musk retweeting unverified claims has become a stumbling block to new believers and a source of considerable cognitive dissonance for those trying to explain the Three Angels’ messages.”
“Someone brought up how many times we’ve preached on reconciliation and avoiding even the appearance of evil,” confided a visibly flustered GC official. “We can’t have our members thinking this is how God’s people handle disagreements, especially after our NAD drama.”
The statement outlined classic Adventist counsel for troubled relationships: “We urge both parties to consider a period of spiritual ‘time out’ – perhaps Brother Trump could focus on his golf game and some quiet contemplation of the Second Coming. Brother Musk could dedicate more time to ensuring his satellites broadcast wholesome programming, perhaps partnering with 3ABN or Hope Channel instead of whatever secular content currently dominates the airwaves.”
The GC added pointedly that “the breaking of government contracts, much like the breaking of the Sabbath, can have significant temporal consequences, impacting not just personal wealth but also the well-being of God’s people who may rely on affordable space travel for missionary work or well-funded infrastructure for our institutions.”
Church officials suggested both men consider individual Bible studies focusing on the fruits of the Spirit, particularly temperance and meekness, before re-engaging “in a more Christ-like manner that won’t require explaining to the youth at Pathfinder meetings.”
As of press time, neither Mar-a-Lago nor SpaceX has responded to the GC’s overtures. However, sources confirm that Doug Batchelor has cleared his schedule for a potential “Revelation Seminar for Reconciliation” if the situation deteriorates further. He’s reportedly already preparing prophetic charts featuring a beast, a dragon, and a very confused Elon Musk standing next to a Tesla that may or may not represent the mark of the beast.
“We’re praying it doesn’t come to that,” sighed one GC spokesperson. “But if it does, at least we’ll finally have contemporary examples for our prophecy seminars.”
