Are you tired of having too many friends? Do you wish people would stop inviting you to potlucks and Sabbath afternoon walks? Look no further! Here’s your ultimate guide to becoming the least influential Adventist in your church.
1. Correct Everyone’s Sabbath Sundown Calculation
Insist that sundown is at exactly 8:43 PM according to your NASA-certified app, and loudly remind everyone to stop doing “anything unSabbathy” at 8:42 “just to be safe.” Bonus points if you bring a stopwatch.
2. Bring Only Carob Brownies to Potluck
Nothing says “I don’t want to make friends” like swapping out all the chocolate for carob. Watch as people politely nibble, then discreetly hide your brownies under their napkins.
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3. Quote Ellen White… Constantly
At board meetings, potlucks, and even during casual greetings: “Happy Sabbath! Did you know Ellen White says we shouldn’t eat pickles?” Guaranteed to clear a room faster than a fire drill.
4. Shame People for Their Sabbath Afternoon Activities
“Did you just run on Sabbath? You know what the Spirit of Prophecy says about that…” Nothing brings people together like policing their post-church strolls.
5. Lead Song Service with All 8 Verses of Every Hymn
And don’t forget to pick the slowest ones. Nothing says “influence” like watching the congregation’s smiles fade by verse four.
6. Start Every Prayer Request with a 10-Minute Testimony
Because nothing says “community” like holding everyone hostage while you recount your entire week-down to the details of your cat’s dietary struggles.
7. Insist on Only King James Version-Even for Announcements
Correct anyone who dares read from the bulletin in modern English. “Verily, the potluck shall commence at the first hour past noon.”
8. Insist on Only Acapella, Only Minor Key, Only 1800s Hymns
If someone even thinks about bringing a guitar, give them the look.
9. Ask If the Juice at Communion Is “Really” Unfermented
Loudly. During the service. With a magnifying glass.
10. Hand Out Literature… During the Sermon
Because who needs to listen to the pastor when you can distribute “The Dangers of Caffeine” pamphlets row by row?
Remember: If you follow all ten steps, you’ll be well on your way to a blissfully solitary Sabbath. But hey, at least you’ll have plenty of leftover carob brownies.
