SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a surprise press release this morning, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists announced that it will now be the exclusive distributor of visas to heaven.
Dubbed the “Heavenly Immigration Initiative,” the program will require prospective residents of the New Earth to submit a 47-page application, three potluck references, and proof of Pathfinder sash completion.
“We just felt like things were getting too loosey-goosey,” said a GC spokesperson. “Some people seemed to think they could get to heaven just by knowing Jesus. We’re here to add structure.”
The visa will include biometric scanning at camp meeting entrances, a random quiz on Ellen G. White’s lesser-known visions, and a promise to attend Sabbath School at least 75% of the time.
Critics have already complained about processing delays, with some reports claiming that angels at the pearly gates have been forced to set up temporary “secondary screening” tents.
“We were told the streets of gold would be immigration hassle-free,” said one disappointed applicant. “Turns out, I was missing my baptismal certificate in triplicate.”
Meanwhile, the GC insists the new program will “streamline heavenly citizenship” and has reassured members that “expedited processing is available for those who pay their tithe electronically.”
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