SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a surprise appearance that left GC delegates choking on their haystacks, newly minted Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth stormed the stage at Annual Council this morning to deliver what he called “a little tough love for God’s remnant fitness movement.”
“I don’t want to see any more fat church leaders telling me about the health message,” Hegseth thundered, pointing dramatically at a row of startled division presidents still digesting their continental breakfast. “You can’t preach Newstart if you’re still on your third plate of Special K loaf.”
He then announced a new “GC Warrior Ethos” program to replace the Adventist Health Ministries Department, featuring early-morning calisthenics in the Hope Channel parking lot and a strict “no carob, no glory” diet.
“Every delegate will be required to complete a 5K before voting on policy changes,” Hegseth declared. “If you can’t outrun the potluck line, you can’t lead God’s army.”
Witnesses say the room fell silent when he turned toward the podium and muttered, “Ellen White walked miles every day, and she didn’t even have a Fitbit.”
In closing, Hegseth proposed that all Annual Council sessions begin with a fitness chant:
“No more sugar, no more stress — let’s make Adventism weigh less!”
Rumor has it that the Health Ministries team is already planning to respond with a position paper entitled “Salvation by Grace, Not by Crunches.”
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