In a move no one saw coming, Donald Trump stepped in to end the tuition war between La Sierra University and the Michigan Conference. The dispute? Michigan refuses to subsidize tuition for students attending La Sierra because… evolution. Yes, evolution.
Trump’s “Make Adventism Great Again” plan:
1. Tuition Compromise: Michigan will cover tuition—but only if students take one course called “Genesis: The Original TikTok”.
2. Joint Campus Events: Weekly “Unity Walks,” where students and conference leaders stroll together, nod politely at fossils, and whisper, “It’s complicated.”
3. Debate Club Extravaganza: La Sierra and Michigan theologians face off in a televised debate moderated by… a golden gavel. Winner gets bragging rights and a lifetime supply of communion wafers.
4. The Great Evolution Bake-Off: Scientists bake DNA-shaped cookies while pastors taste-test creation-themed cupcakes. Peace is achieved when no one accuses anyone else of heresy.
5. Optional “Evolution-Free” Merchandise: T-shirts reading “I Survived the Tuition Wars: La Sierra vs Michigan”.
Trump declared, “We’ve solved a huge, huge problem. Nobody thought it could be done… except me.” And for once, Adventist students could focus on studying instead of plotting tuition rebellions.
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