We’ve all been there. You came to church hoping for spiritual renewal… and instead, you got 67 minutes of “In conclusion…” that started 30 minutes ago.
Here’s your official BarelyAdventist Survival Guide for when the sermon goes way past lunchtime.
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1. The “Bible App” Trick
Open your phone. Look deeply spiritual. Nod occasionally. Congratulations, everyone thinks you’re following along in Scripture. No one needs to know you’re actually reading about how to make vegan mac and cheese.
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2. The “Sanctuary Statisticians” Club
Start mentally counting ceiling tiles, cute prospects per pew, or how many “Amens” it’ll take before this finally ends.
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3. The “Sanctified Stretch”
Yawn? No. Praise Stretch. Raise your hands like you’re agreeing with a good point, but really you’re just trying to get circulation back after 80 minutes on a hard pew.
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4. The Deacon’s Watch Check
You lock eyes with a deacon across the aisle. You both know. The look says, “He’s landing the plane… no wait… circling again.”
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5. The “Potluck Motivation Technique”
Visualize lasagna. Imagine the scent of macaroni loaf. The promise of dessert (that Sister Jenkins swore wasn’t too sweet this time) will get you through anything.
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6. The “Special Music Replay” Fantasy
Mentally replay that fire special music from earlier. You know—the one that made you briefly forget your problems before the sermon brought them all back.
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7. The “Second Coming” Escape Clause
When the sermon hits the 55-minute mark, whisper to your pew buddy:
“At this point, the actual Second Coming might happen before this sermon ends.”
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8. The “Eternal Appeal Loop”
Every head is bowed, every eye is closed… except yours, because you know this might take a while.
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9. The “Amen Enthusiast” Strategy
Shout a strong “Amen!” at strategic moments. Sometimes it works like a fast-forward button. It’s the only remote control you have in this situation.
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10. The “Forgive and Forget” Phase
After it’s all over, shake the preacher’s hand and say, “That was powerful.” (You’re not lying—it had the power to test your patience, faith, and lower back like never before.)
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