LOMA LINDA, Calif. — In news that has absolutely shattered Adventist cuisine expectations, a small haystack restaurant on Anderson Street was awarded three Michelin stars this week — the first-ever Adventist establishment to receive the honor.
The restaurant, Stacques, opened just seven months ago and has already become a pilgrimage site for hungry Adventists and confused food critics alike. Reviewers praised its “innovative deconstruction of the classic haystack,” its “fearless approach to shredded lettuce,” and its “hauntingly redemptive use of Worthington taco sauce.”
“Honestly, we just put the bowls out and let the people build their meal,” said head chef and part-time deacon Orlando Nunez. “But if Michelin wants to call that genius, who am I to argue?”
According to Michelin inspectors, the restaurant’s signature dish — the 1844 Layered Haystack — sealed the deal. Built precisely in 22 investigative layers, it comes with an hourglass timer to remind diners of “the solemn passage of time.”
Reaction in Adventist circles has been swift and dramatic:
Andrews University’s cafeteria immediately announced plans to “elevate” its haystacks by “maybe rinsing the lettuce this time.”
Adventist Twitter exploded with debates over whether homemade haystacks should now be referred to as “artisanal stack experiences.”
A group of Pathfinders attempted to earn a “Michelin Star Cooking Honor” before being informed that no such honor exists (yet).
The Pacific Union released a cautious statement congratulating Stacques, while reminding members that “a three-star rating does not necessarily indicate moral superiority.”
Despite the global frenzy, locals are just proud to see Adventist cuisine finally getting the respect it totally, absolutely, unquestionably deserves.
“Listen,” said one Loma Linda resident standing in line. “For decades we’ve pretended haystacks were gourmet. Today, the world finally caught up.”
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