SILVER SPRING, MD — According to trembling eyewitnesses, the Adult Sabbath School class at Oakview Seventh-day Adventist Church came perilously close to a full schism last Sabbath after discovering that the beloved fellowship hall piano had been moved approximately two inches to the left.
Members entering the room for Lesson Study were reportedly struck by “a strange feeling,” “a spiritual imbalance,” and, in one case, “a disturbance in the Force.” It wasn’t until Sister Marjorie, 78, gasped audibly and pointed at the piano that the source of the tension was revealed.
“I knew something was off the moment I stepped in,” said longtime member Harold Pennington, still visibly shaken. “The acoustics felt wrong. The energy felt wrong. I couldn’t even find my regular seat because the whole room’s spirit was disrupted.”
Sources say the disagreement quickly escalated.
The Reverent Traditionalists demanded the piano be returned to its “Holy, God-ordained spot.” Meanwhile, the Progressive Reformers insisted the two-inch shift was “innovative,” “feng shui–adjacent,” and “important for reaching young people.”
The church tried to defuse the situation by forming a Piano Placement Committee, which immediately deadlocked 7–7.
As tensions peaked, someone attempted to measure the shift with a tape measure, but two opposing members argued over whether the metric or imperial system was “more biblical.”
The stalemate ended only when Deacon Larry confessed he had moved the piano slightly while vacuuming under it.
He was forgiven—after delivering a heartfelt 12-minute apology, a short devotional, and promising never to do it again.
At publishing time, several members were still trying to determine whether the piano should be consecrated again since it had “technically been relocated.”
