In a rare joint statement released yesterday, the National Association of Turkeys called on Adventists nationwide to honor Ellen White’s counsel on vegetarianism — specifically warning that ignoring it could result in “unnecessary existential trauma every fourth Thursday of November.”
“We’ve been patient,” said Gary, the NAT spokesturkey. “But year after year, Adventists tell us they value health, temperance, and compassion… and then we end up on their plates. Isn’t it time to take inspiration from their own prophet?”
The statement goes on to remind Adventists that White’s advice wasn’t just about kale smoothies and lentil soups — it was “a moral imperative with feathers attached.” NAT has also promised to start sending Adventist families personalized reminders via inbox, carrier pigeon, and smoke signals starting this Wednesday.
Adventist ethicists are reportedly re-evaluating their Thanksgiving plans, while some pastors are quietly lobbying for a “Tofurkey Sabbath”. Meanwhile, turkeys across the nation are reportedly “feeling unusually hopeful” this year.
