In a decisive and extremely well-badged move, the Trans-European Division of the Seventh-day Adventist Church—which includes Denmark and therefore claims adjacent Arctic credibility—has announced it is sending Pathfinders to defend Greenland.
The Pathfinders will arrive fully prepared for Arctic defense operations.
According to internal sources, they are bringing elite knot-tying skills (square knots, bowlines, and several knots nobody remembers the purpose of), every winter camping honor ever awarded and laminated for durability, advanced orienteering skills suited to challenging terrain, drill-team coordination enabling synchronized marching across ice sheets, and strategic singing, long considered the Pathfinders’ most powerful deterrent.
To raise morale, the unit will reportedly sing, “We are the Pathfinders strong…” with a regional remix, “We are the Greenlanders strong.”
They will also “keep a level eye,” a core element of the Pathfinder Law that remains undefined but is widely regarded as essential, particularly in Arctic conditions.
Church leaders clarified that this is not a military operation, but a values-based defensive posture involving scarves, honor sashes, and unwavering enthusiasm.
Greenland officials say they are cautiously optimistic, noting that any force capable of surviving a Pathfinder camporee in winter conditions is clearly prepared for anything.
More details to come, pending successful map reading.
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