COLLEGE PLACE, WA — Local Adventist millennial Hannah R. reportedly experienced a moment of sobering clarity this week after realizing that “dating within the faith” had narrowed her romantic prospects to her third cousin and a man who still wears a tie-dye Revelation Seminar shirt unironically.
The realization occurred during a regional young adult vespers, where Hannah surveyed the room and instinctively began performing the same mental calculations she has refined over years of potlucks, camp meetings, and Pathfinder fundraisers.
“Okay, married, married, engaged, definitely married, ex-boyfriend, ex-boyfriend’s roommate, and… oh no,” Hannah recalled. “I think we share a great-grandparent.”
Sources confirm the remaining viable option was a man known primarily for his extensive Daniel-and-Revelation DVD collection and his insistence that “the Sunday law stuff is really heating up right now.”
Witnesses say Hannah briefly considered expanding her criteria to include “spiritual but not Adventist,” before being overcome by a vague sense of guilt and a memory of a Sabbath School comment about being “unequally yoked.”
The situation worsened when a well-meaning church member suggested she “pray about it,” while another helpfully reminded her that “God’s timing is perfect,” despite being married at 22.
At press time, Hannah was last seen downloading a secular dating app, deleting it, redownloading it, and then attending vespers anyway, just in case someone new transferred in from another conference.
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